Everyone knows a 'busy kid' – one who's always dashing from one activity to the next. Some manage their back-to-back diary dates very well – even thrive. But others quickly become exhausted and crave downtime with their families. About Catholic Schools spoke with a range of experts about families who find themselves in the fast lane and sought tips on how they might slow down. We spoke with parents about what works for them, what doesn't, what they've observed, and what changes they've made in their quest to restore balance and harmony to the family home.

My nephew's favourite t-shirt sports a slogan that says, 'Happy hangin' with my peeps'. Tom, who is seven, wears it every chance he gets. He plays soccer in winter and cricket in summer but, other than that, he's the sort of happy-go-lucky kid who likes nothing better than hanging with his family – his people, his 'peeps'.

For my brother, head of a big bank's investment arm, the weekends are precious. But on weekends, when Paul has more time to spend with Tom, his young son is off to one or the other sport. So Paul settled for driving his little bloke to games near and far but was still missing out on Tom-time. He soon discovered that on the sidelines it was too easy to stab away at his Blackberry and miss Tom's goals, or sift through the Australian Financial Review and miss a catch. Something had to give. After months of so-so bonding, Paul made the move from the stands to the field. Now he coaches and, on roster, umpires Tom's soccer and cricket. It's a move that has created a seismic shift in how father and son view – and value – their time together. They were no longer sportsman and spectator but doing things together. Like a family.

It's about finding a balance that suits the family dynamics and, according to my brother, even small changes can restore harmony to today's busy families. Of course, every family is different. Some thrive at a fast pace while others would fall in a heap. Some children manage very well bouncing from activity to activity before or after school. Others are happiest, well, just hanging with their 'peeps'.

There are lots of reasons why some kids try to cram too much into their pint-sized days. Sometimes parents drive the activity, sometimes it's the children. Some after-school activities do away with the need for babysitters or nannies if both parents work, with many supervised out-of-school-hours activity centres filling the bill. Some children may model their little lives on their parents' hectic schedules; some may try to keep up with the other kids at school. Some may fear they'll miss out; others may fear obesity or just want to fit in. Others find themselves being tutored, while still others seem to expend more energy racing from one activity to the next than they do when actually engaged in the sport or dance or drama or club.

In dire cases, even very young children can find themselves suffering adult-sized burn-out and wind up crying on a psychologist's shoulder.

Why so busy?

Linda Enever, Managing Director and Editor of a popular family support website, Family Capers, said families needed to question the motives behind all this busy-ness. "The activities our children are doing need to b e positive, enjoyable and rewarding for them. We should not be sending them off to activities for questionable reasons such as, 'I did this when I was a child', or from a stance of, 'I never had the chance, so I will give them the opportunity to do it all'. Good intentions can often put extra pressure on our kids without meaning to."

Ms Enever points to changes in society for the shift in priorities and laments the passing of an era when families "did things together" such as barbecues, fun at the park, mucking about in the backyard, helping around the house, or just hanging out. "We are now so busy we seem to be missing out on these things, I think to our detriment."

Some parents had become caught up in competitiveness, even though they might not be competitive by nature. "And the reason for that is nothing more sinister than parents just wanting to be the best parents they can be," she said. Social pressure tended to decide "what a parent should be", she said. "That's a big guilt factor – parents feeling they are not living up to an impossible ideal. Parents should model their parenting on their individual circumstances and what is best for them and their family and should resist other people's, the media's, and society's idealistic standards."

When will the children play?

Author Angela Rossmanith wrote 'When Will the Children Play' in 1997 following a conversation with a publisher about what they saw as a growing problem. Back then, Ms Rossmanith saw signs of children's days becoming highly structured with less and less time for them to do what children do best – play. "I use the word 'play' in its broadest sense to include fantasy games, dreaming time, free exploration of their environment, and creative play." In 2010, the pace of children's lives had become even more frantic.

The reasons for the shift were many and complex. "Once upon a time, there was a parent – usually a mother – at home to keep an eye out for the kids. Life was simpler in many ways with less TV to stimulate, fewer outside activities on offer, and a greater sense of safety in the neighbourhood so children could roam more freely," Ms Rossmanith said, while insisting that life wasn't always a bowl of cherries for parents or children back then. "Parents are far more anxious these days about their children's safety and people are too busy with both parents often working, to stroll around the streets. This in itself would give a greater sense of community and help render the neighbourhood a safer and friendlier place."

Parents were becoming more and more concerned about their children's futures and wanted them to be prepared in every way, she said. "Education has become a race and many middle-class parents believe that the sooner children start on academic subjects, the better." The pressure on children is increasing at earlier ages, she said. "Even thirteen years ago when I visited preschools to give talks, the director would often take me aside and plead that I urge parents to stop worrying about whether their 3- and 4-year-olds were learning enough at preschool." Parents of such tiny tots were agitating for proof of the day's education. Sadly, Ms Rossmanith's more recent investigations have revealed that little has changed. Such parents did not have an understanding of the value of play, she said. "Studies reveal that play promotes brain growth and behavioural development. It lays the foundation of learning and enhances problem-solving skills. When adults say, 'He is only playing', they don't realise the depth of development and experience that play offers."

One of the best alternatives to children's activity-laden lives was to involve children more in jobs around the house, Ms Rossmanith said. "Even very tiny children can learn to pick up toys and older children can prepare meals for the family. It all sounds old fashioned, but at the core of this approach is the notion of pulling together as a family, showing children early that they play an important part [in the family] and that their contribution is valued. Yes, it takes supervision at first, and some encouragement, but that's what parenting is all about." Families seemed to have lost the art of doing things as families and with other families, such as going the park, beach or bushwalking together. "Children benefit from growing up in an atmosphere of social connectedness," she said.

How much is too much?

Clinical child psychologist Dr Kimberley O'Brien of Quirky Kids Clinic said the practice saw a lot of children with quite extensive commitments, both at school and outside. At her practice in Sydney's eastern suburbs, Dr O'Brien said 40 percent of parents sent their children to activities instead of sending them home to a nanny or babysitter.

Other working parents had to send their children to after-school care and felt "very divided about doing that", she said. Some of these children were sitting in the same classroom that they've been in all day. "So, if given the change, and if it's something the family can afford, it's good to go for the extracurricular activities to get some stimulus and variety for the children."

Parents also used activities as rewards for good behaviour, particularly if the child was pushing to try something new. Some children pushed hard because they were caught up in the mindset that they had to keep trying new things, she said. "But in other cases they are saying, 'I don't want to go', and I think, if that's what they are saying, then they shouldn't be made to go," Dr O'Brien said.

"Some kids are so busy every single day that, when we ask them what their weeks are like, they sound like talking calendars," she said. "We run a program here at the clinic – which we also take into schools – called Best of Friends that gives children the chance to grow social skills that are often missing in a half-hour of this or that activity when the children start as soon as they get there, and end so many minutes or hours later." Often lost in the hustle and bustle of timed activities was the honing of skills such as making eye-contact, turn-taking, how to establish relationships. While the children may seem to be interacting with others, the quality of their relationships can suffer if they don't have the right building blocks and everything is so rushed, Dr O'Brien said. "Some children can feel shy and frustrated in these sorts of environments and they may feel they don't 'own' the space they are in. Some may always feel they are in someone else's territory and that can be intimidating or even threatening for them." At Best of Friends, children learn that it is okay to hang back, get a drink or take a toilet break before jumping in. "It can be very difficult for some children who are shipped from one activity to the next to engage properly with others or have the chance to get comfortable."

The reality for many double-income families in our time-poor society was that well-earned leisure time was now a highly-charged environment, she said. "Parents have to move fast, pack fat, get organised fast, and keep moving. And the kids do what they see their parents doing." And that means speeding through life, striving to make deadlines with no time to relax and unwind. "Weekends are supposed to have some rest component for parents as well as children."

Dr O'Brien's advice to parents would be to "take the child's lead". "It's very valuable. Listen to what they are saying and let them do what they life for an hour or so and you can understand about their moods and what they really want to do."

Early Childhood and Primary Teacher Education Associate Professor Kay Margetts, from the Melbourne Graduate School of Education, said more advertising had helped the take-up of activities, many of which were now more affordable. "There seems to be a lot of primary school-aged children in particular doing a lot of extracurricular activities," Dr Margetts said. "I also think it is a social trend."

Parents may also see their active and engaged children as a sign of good parenting and be keen to "do the right things for their child", she said. "It may also be that the children's achievements become the parents' measure of success," which could be a common thread among overwhelmingly child-centred families, even more so among those who could not stand to see their child fail. In trying to cushion children against life's bumpy roads, parents may unwittingly be thwarting their child's resilience, essential to weather life's disappointments later life. Similarly, overdoing the praise for a child's average performances – particularly things they should be doing, such as clearing or setting the table, or picking up after themselves – can impede their progress by sending the signal that really trying hard isn't really worth the effort.

Dr Margetts said she knew a 9-year-old child who, every week, had piano and violin lessons, cricket or football, basketball, tennis and Cubs. "When I asked him why he did all these things, he said, 'You'd better ask Mum'. "It was clear his life was being imposed on him rather than him having any real choice." While participation in sports or some activities each week can be beneficial behaviourally, socially cognitively and physically for children, time to just 'hang out' – to make their own entertainment and fun, to spend time 'just being' with friends, to relax and unwind, is also important." Such pursuits support children's thinking, imagination and creativity, she said. "When children play, they make their own rules, made decisions about the direction the play goes in, take on roles and do things that are not necessarily available to them in real life. They build friendships, cope with conflict and risk, and usually enjoy themselves. The social, cognitive and emotional learning that occurs during play is quite profound. I am particularly concerned that outdoor play – play in the backyard – rarely occurs."

Children are sending warning signals that they may be approaching burn-out when they want to avoid activities, are tired, have difficulty getting up in the morning, make negative comments about their activities, and complain that they never have time to do what they want, she said.

On the flip-side, children who are not involved in lots of activities may feel they are missing out on valuable socialisation opportunities, being part of a team, learning about winning and losing, developing skills and talents and meeting a range of people. "When a number of children from the same class participate in an activity, those who do not can feel left out of the group as they do not 'talk the talk' or have the same shared experiences," Dr Margetts said.

Tutoring

Both Dr O'Brien and Dr Margetts expressed concerns about tutoring. "There are a lot of kids who are tutored these days and I see lots of families in libraries going through homework and writing on whiteboards and it is a highly pressurised environment for all of them," Dr O'Brien said.

"This worries me, especially when children spend a lot of time being tutored and tutored in different subjects outside school," Dr Margetts said. But for some children tutoring was useful in establishing basic understandings, "but I am concerned that too much focus on academic learning restricts opportunities for building up the social and emotional skills necessary for the long term".

Australian Tutoring Association Chief Executive Officer Mohan Dhall said he had seen "a consistent and steady rise" in children enrolled in tuition over the past decade. "I run a centre that has grown 15 percent year-on-year for five years and we have never advertised." Mr Dhall points to My School and NAPLAN as two drivers of the spike. But the main driver, he said, was "the reorientation of parents towards a model of self-help regarding their child's education". Parents were tending to ask what they could do themselves, independent of schools, to best support their child's education and some see tuition as an investment, he said.

Some people misunderstood tutoring and may confuse it with the narrower, more outcome-focused coaching, he said. "Tutors can act as mentors to very academically able students, stimulating engagement and interest," Mr Dhall said. In a remedial capacity tutors could help raise self-esteem in students who, in a regular classroom setting, may be missing out.
 
But good tutors had their antennae tuned to pick up whether a child was stressed. "Typically these days many parents will cram the after-hours space with music lessons, sport, drama, singing, dance, educational tuition, cultural activities and so forth," he said. "A responsible tutor will identify if, in addition to tuition, if there is too much else on. A stressed child is not likely to learn effectively."

Signs that children may be stressed were easy to spot, Mr Dhall said. "Younger children will become sullen or resistant, argumentative or unusually quiet. An older student may be consistently late, express resistance or disinterest, skip classes and so forth. Sometimes children will be visibly anxious (lip biting, nail biting, etc) and parents should listen to and observe children."  A good tutor would be aware if a child was stressed and would "raise any concerns about stress with the parent, even if it means recommending that the child discontinue tuition".
  
Mr Dhall said there were merits in structured and unstructured play, at home or elsewhere. "Play, thinking time, quiet time free of distraction from electronic media, reading, time with parents one to one and reflection are all crucial in the development of insight, self understanding and social skills," he said.
  
Mr Dhall warned against moves in some circles that saw children being defined by their performance. "That takes away from the intrinsic worth of a child," he said. "This is true whether the activity is sporting or creative. Whenever there is pressure to achieve a particular outcome then the process is undermined. Education is a lot more about process than product, as any good educator would know.

But, on the other hand, many children may learn to associate academic success with self-esteem and for some students they will see that discipline and effort spell success. "This then is beneficial to all aspects of life, as a successful life is a disciplined life. However, where discipline is negative or stressful then it is not beneficial. In this way parents, tutors and mainstream educators need to place the interests of the child foremost."

Clues from school

Observing children in the playground can help teachers and parents see who is not coping. "That can be harder to work out in a structured classroom," Dr O'Brien said. "Once you have removed the structure around them, you have a much better idea of whether a child is coping. Watching their body language is also a good guide."

The educational landscape had changed, too, with many parents seeking to take more control of their children's schooling. Parents were now expecting more which, Dr O'Brien believes is related to the cost of education and the pressures to perform which have many parents "constantly seeking value for money". She points to the massive interest in the My School website as proof. 

"It's a huge decision where to send kids to school and it's a bigger decision than it used to be," she said. "Parents now have access to a lot of information about schools, teachers and academic achievements." This new era of competitiveness was not confined to the private school sector, she said. It was being felt across the State school system as well.

"There is an economic push around it and parents are feeling intimidated. Then we see it becoming a social thing – someone starts it and then it becomes a new and acceptable way to behave. Parents now have very high expectations from their kids and from their teachers and from the school and it's almost like there has been a power shift in favour of parents. There used to be more respect for teachers – and parents would take a step back – but not anymore."

Meet the Parents

Teacher Alison Rasheed works three days per week. She and her husband, Matthew, have two boys – Henry, 7, and Fraser, almost 3.

Finding the right balance: Alison Rasheed with husband Matthew and children Henry (left) and Fraser.

Mrs Rasheed agreed with most parents we spoke with that there was an element of competition that had crept into family life. "Though I do not see it at Henry's school, I have seen it at schools where I have taught." The teacher said she'd seen worn out kids who were constantly doing things after school. "Some of them end up stressed and don't really thrive at doing any one thing. They become Jacks and Jills of all trades, and masters of none. There's nothing wrong with that – they can love it and enjoy it for what it is but I do question kids who are exhausted and too stretched too thin. I've been conscious of that with my own kids.

The Rasheeds do not run around with their children. "Henry does gym on Saturday mornings and that's the only thing he's done for two Terms now," Mrs Rasheed said. "He used to do swimming once a week, but he loves his gym on Saturday."

Choosing to restrict activities to one day on the weekend works for the Rasheeds, she said. "Besides, there are all those parties to go to!"

"Saturdays are better for Henry as if he was doing things during the week it would just exhaust him. And he loves his gym and he is really good at it. He may do something during the week, but we'll wait until he is older."

Henry was being taught piano from the boy next door, "but he was just a little too young". "It's been trial and error to learn what he is comfortable with and how much to do, but we take it slow. Besides, Henry needs time to sort out what he wants to do. He will start piano a bit later but I think a group session would be better for him."

While the family refused to push Henry into activities, Mrs Rasheed admitted that her husband, from Adelaide, was very keen for Henry to get into AFL. "We lasted three practice sessions but he just wasn't into it, so that was the end of it."

One of the difficulties financially with enrolling kids in activities was that "you do your dough upfront if the child doesn't want to continue", Mrs Rasheed said. "In the holidays, I try to use the time to find other things Henry might like to do. He did tennis camp over three half-days and that gave him a taste of it rather than us having to sign up for an unknown.  Most organised activity people are happy for the kids to come and have a go, but sometimes kids need a bit more than 'a go' to find out if they like something."

Mrs Rasheed said it would be very difficult to find the right balance, especially among families with more children who may not all like to do the same thing. "And I have held back from things like soccer because there are the practice sessions during the week and the games all over the place on the weekend. My husband works five-and-a-half days during the week, and I am busy, and I find that we would have no family time at all if more activities were introduced. Gym starts at 9am and is over by 10am. My husband takes Henry and that's their special time. Matthew wouldn't be able to do that it if was during the week."

Full-time mother Anne O'Keeffe said she and her husband, Brendan, had adopted the approach that there would be no one-size-fits-all for their family. "One thing I think that is lost in this whole topic is the need to factor in homework," Mrs O'Keeffe said. "My girls are in Kindergarten and Year 2 yet their homework, coupled with sight words and readers which involved parents' supervision, is not insignificant."

Mrs O'Keeffe said she believed in "listening to what your children are telling you" to gauge how they are going. "They'll give verbal signals as well as behavioural signals to whether or not they're doing too much, or just going through the motions, thinking they're pleasing Mum and Dad if they go to this or that. And it depends on the child. For instance, Grace is eight and she's been itching to dance since she could stand. On the other hand, a few years ago, Ursula, who's now six, was very keen to try ballet because her sister loved it, but soon found it wasn't for her. Ursula tends to tire easily so we don't push. Besides, she's our homebody – she's happiest at home with our two bid dogs.

Being terribly busy all the time was "great when it all works well for a family, but it is not something I want for mine", she said. "I see it happening though and I wonder about the long-term effects on the family unit of all this running around."

Graphic designer Katy Donoghue said she had noticed that a lot of parents don't want their kids to miss out, materially and when it comes to activities. "I am not sure if it's competitive, but it certainly seems to be peer pressure among the mums. It's about keeping up with all the other families and what their child is learning compared with someone else's," Mrs Donoghue said. "This sort of thinking would put the family unit under tremendous stress, but I think the important things like all sitting down for a meal together seem less important than taking the kids to training or somewhere else."

Mrs Donoghue said she was "well and truly in the minority with my son only doing one activity during the week. "I have plenty of friends whose kids do tennis one day, basketball the next, Little Athletics the next, then swimming, then off to piano, then say they are so exhausted and don't have time to do the daily reader with the child or help them with their homework," she said. Mrs Donoghue said children were "definitely driving their parents' lives". "There's great pressure for each birthday party to be bigger and better than the last. Plus, I don't think anyone seems content with an 'average' child anymore either."

Mrs Donoghue's husband, Gene, believes parenting has become a competitive sport. "Maybe because I couldn't give a toss what other parents think that I am oblivious to the competitiveness," she said. "I just think that is sad."

The Donoghues have a son, Darcy, at school and twin girls at preschool. "The other day I picked up, I picked up our kids and, when they came home, Darcy taught his little sisters how to ride their bike without training wheels. Now, that's what the afternoons are for I think!"

She recalled her son's fourth birthday party. "We had organised 'Pass the Parcel' and I refused to have a Freddo Frog in each layer of the parcel, opting instead for an occasional prize along with the last big prize," she said. "When one little girl didn't get a prize she started crying, and her mother tut- tutted me for not giving each child a prize as 'that's what they are used to'! I do think they children are not building resilience, and also the parents are too busy to put up with the child crying when it doesn't go their way, so they give in. They don't want their child to be upset, so – at all costs – they avoid their child 'missing out'.

"Thankfully, Darcy has not been demanding about doing extra activities," she said. "Our budget was the driving force, but also I do like the traditional approach. I want him to be happy to entertain himself. He didn't do any activity until nearly Year 1, and knows that he is only allowed to do one thing per term/season.

"The girls don't do a thing at present," she said. "But many of our friends have had their little 3-and 4-year-olds doing ballet, Gymbaroo, and those type of things, while it would have been fun for our girls, I didn't have the time or money to do that. Plus, I work up to four days a week, so I wasn't going to commit myself to rushing to an organised activity every time we had a day together.  I wanted to stay home and play with them. That's another thing that seems to have gone out the window – going outside and throwing the ball to your kids, doing painting with them, those sorts of things. I am glad to say that my kids have the most amazing imaginations, and I really believe it is because they have had the chance to potter about outside, in their own world, and enjoy their surroundings."

Mrs Donoghue said she could tell stories about the topic for hours. "Yes, it does get to me, and is very refreshing to find other parents who think the same way – although they are getting harder to find!"

Be part of the statistics in a good way:

• Dr O'Brien is looking for six sets of parents of six children aged 2 to 5 years old for development assessment. The assessments would take two hours. Phone 9363 9297 – Quirky Kids Clinic.
• Australian Tutoring Association's website has fact sheets, including one (here) about how to tell if your child is too young for tutoring.